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Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on what they are trying to change it into.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
90% of all statistics are meaningless.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful!
A few rules to follow to ensure an exceptional grade on your next writing assignment:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. The adverb always follows the verb.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
12. Be more or less specific.
13. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
14. The passive voice is to be avoided.
15. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
16. Who needs rhetorical questions?
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. Don't never use a double negative.
19. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
20. A writer must not shift your point of view.
21. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
(Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
22. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!
23. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
24. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
25. Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
Top 51 Oxy-Morons:
51). Friendly Fire 50). Act naturally 49). Found missing 48). Resident alien 47) Advanced BASIC 46). Genuine, imitation 45). Airline Food 44). Good grief 43). Same difference 42). Almost exactly 41). Government organization 40). Sanitary landfill 39). Alone together 38). Legally drunk 37). Silent scream 36). British fashion 35). Living dead 34). Small crowd 33). Business ethics 32). Soft rock 30). Military Intelligence 29). Software, documentation 28). New York culture 27). New classic 26). Sweet sorrow 25). Childproof 24). "Now, then ..." 23 ). Synthetic natural gas 22). Christian Scientists 21). Passive aggression 20). Taped live 19). Clearly misunderstood 18). Peace force 17). Extinct Life 16). Temporary tax increase 14). Plastic glasses 13). Terribly pleased 12). Computer security 11). Political science 10). Tight slacks 9). Definite maybe 8). Pretty ugly 7). Twelve-ounce pound cake 6). Diet ice cream 5). Rap music 4). Working vacation 3). Exact estimate 2). Religious tolerance 1). Microsoft Works!
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like... night..
On the other hand, you have five more fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
When the chips are down... The buffalo is happy.
Those who live by the sword get shot.
You have the right to remain silent...
Anything you say will be misquoted , and then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The good things that come to those who wait are usually the things left behind by the others who got there first.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
